Tech N9ne - Celcius

Sigh... let's get this over with.

As Tech N9ne was finishing up the recording and mastering for his first fully independent release Absolute Power, he got a harrowing call from his old label Mizery Entertainment, and specifically the head of said label Dyamund Shields. Shields felt that he hadn't made the money from Tech N9ne that he deserved, and seeing Tech touring everywhere and hearing his singles on the radio, he assumed (wrongly) that he was making a lot of money, and not giving back to the people that put him on. Tech wasn't ready to start issues with a man who was actually quite powerful in his hometown KC, and so him and Travis O'Guin (remember, that's the other owner of Strange Music) agreed to let Mizery and MidWestSide release a Tech N9ne record consisting of previously unreleased music, albeit months before Absolute Power's set date of unleashing. 

So you can imagine their surprise when Celcius (yes, they spelt it like that) was put out one day before Tech was to release his proper independent debut. The nerve of these guys! Not only was the release date absurd, but so was the album cover - yes, Tech's stare was similarly creepy to how it would be on some of his own self-released albums (see Killer, Sickology 101, Something Else), but on the other hand we had a blue cover to go against Tech's known affiliation with the Bloods, as well as enough bling to last the average Italian Gangster a few years, and a rather nice Jaguar XK (what a beauty) that still, mind you, went against the Tech N9ne way of thinking. Imagine Tech N9ne signed with Cash Money or No Limit - this is the album cover you would probably see. And as well as this, the project contained plenty of collaborations with Don Juan, which went completely against the Absolute Power disstrack on him "Yada, Yada, Yada". If this disc had done better than Tech's proper new album, then it probably would have proved that disstrack completely wrong. 

Well, I suppose it's a good thing that it didn't.

The songs on this project consisted of leftovers from Tech's shelved Be Warned album that Qwest had refused to release, songs recorded for the unfinished Tech x Don Juan collaborative disc advertised in the booklet of The Worst, and a few songs that didn't feature Tech at all, but instead served to promote some of the newest signees to the MidWestSide label. It should be noted that we never heard much from these guys again, and this probably has something to do with Celcius selling about one copy before MidWestSide gave up on trying to milk Tech, as by this point in time he wasn't really appealing to their gangsta rap demographic anyway. And so Celcius remains a relic of the past, a simple reminder of Tech's soured relationship with his previous label, and a place where you'll find a decent amount of the Be Warned sessions that most likely would have otherwise remained unreleased. 

Most Tech N9ne fans consider this easily one of the weakest projects in his catalogue, but the question is: is that because of the spiteful and unpleasant way in which it was released, or because of an actual lack of quality of music on the record? Well, you may already know the answer to that, but if ya don't, then here it is!

1. He Wanna Be Paid (prod. Don Juan)

After an accapella shout out to his hometown that appears to be lifted directly from "It's Alive" (and was probably tacked on by the label to make the song seem more like an intro), a strangely familiar instrumental starts up - the first beat we hear here is that of "Mitch Bade", only done with a more electronic feel - thankfully, this only lasts for the intro. The actual beat on this song is really stellar, with the strange sound effects making for something rather creative - it also uses the bassline from E-40's classic "Captain Save a Hoe", with the hook interpolating that heavily too. Oh, and parts of the "Planet Rock 2K (Down South Mix)" beat are incorporated here too, just because why not. Tech uses his time on this song to diss Vell Bakardy for various reasons, from faking sales to lack of radio play to constantly taking shots at Tech for apparently no reason, to biting the sounds of Chubb Rock and DMX - quite an amount of stuff, then, but still, the lyrics don't come across as too savage on here when compared with what Tech did on "Yada, Yada, Yada" - then again, that one was a whole lot more personal. There are quite a few dope lines on here though, with just two standing out as randomly vulgar - "bout to make yo eyes pop out when I whip my cock out" and "when you die and all ya piss, cum, and feces drop out" - not too many by Tech standards. Also, there's no way anyone doesn't like that "somethin' wrong with his medulla oblongata" line. This is a pretty dope song, even if it isn't a massively impactful diss. 

2. Call Girlz (feat. Don Juan) (prod. Don Juan)

You know, on first listen I was pretty surprised that I enjoyed that opening song so much - yes, it had a clear dope theme and was meant as a diss track, so that made it immediately entertaining. But on top of that, it's sonically really dope too, and Tech drops bars all over the thing. So imagine my disappointment when we get to the second song and it's... this crap. Over a fairly smooth instrumental that I'm not entirely against, Tech and Juan rap about their encounters with women around the country they surely don't care about as anything other than sexual objects, and the results are predictably miserable. It's funny, as the intro and outro portray Tech as caring about the woman, which only make the real motives revealed in the song's content that much more unpleasant - the hook is painful too. Tech does refer to himself as "the raggedy-mouth nappy head friend grim cummer" on here though, so that was funny, but otherwise this is annoying and unpleasant. There's also an echoey outro skit that doesn't appear to make much sense in context, but whatever - who said any rap skit had to make sense. 

3. Be Warned (prod. Don Juan)

By far the shortest, most popular, and probably best song on the whole album. Tech takes the haunting instrumentation of Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells" (commonly known as the theme from The Exorcist), and rips the shit up for almost exactly two minutes before the song cuts out fairly abruptly. The track starts with some lines that were also spit in his song "Why? Tech N9ne" from The Worst, and even though that song was technically released before, it's safe to assume that this one was recorded prior, as the title leads one to believe it would have appeared on Tech's 1996 record Be Warned, which, as I think I've stated before, was shelved by Qwest Records on account of it being too demonic. Well, that does make sense considering this song - "Be Warned" is creepy as hell, and not just because of the instrumental - Tech uses his trademark strange delivery and backmasked vocals all to enhance the horrifying experience. This is another utter banger - this album did get off to a pretty good start, didn't it?

4. Boss Doggs (feat. Big Scoob, Bakarrii & Nitty) (prod. Don Juan)

A team up with three of the 57th Street Rogue Dog Villains that we actually heard a snippet of on the "Wake Up Call" skit off of Anghellic, only back then it was unreleased. It wasn't until this project was released in full that it saw the light of day, and it's safe to say therefore that this was recorded in or prior to 2001 - possibly for a 57 RDV album? That's an interesting dilemma - it's just a shame that the song kinda sucks. Having a flow that imitates the repetitive beat run exactly the same throughout the entire song across all four MC's verses is simply ridiculous, especially when the song is almost 5 minutes in length. "All my lyrics is simple and clear" is also a terrible bragging point for a rapper - I mean, can't you at least try to be a little complex, Scoob? This track could have been good, but unfortunately it's repetitiveness makes it completely redundant. Fuck Short Nitty, by the way. 

5. Sprung (feat. Don Juan, Paul Law & Nachia Cayson) (prod. Don Juan)

Hilariously mislabelled "Spring" on streaming services - what a cock up! This song was originally to be titled "The Bianc Zone", but for some reason they changed it to the name of a film from the late '90s that no-one remembers,  but did feature a Jay-Z song on the soundtrack ("Who You Wit" - not "Who You Wit II" but the different original version). This song right here looks to be another dope cut from the instrumental, which has a nice bassline, dope sound effects and smooth synths, but unfortunately none of the vocalists manage to do anything right. Tech and Juan spend the entire time talking about having sex, and being generally misogynistic, meanwhile saying absolutely nothing of note the entire time, and the chorus also doesn't sound right at all - I mean, why the fuck did they get a woman in to say "she play with our dicks while we play with our guns"?? One interesting facet of this hook was that it was later interpolated for Krizz Kaliko's outro bridge on Tech's smash hit "Caribou Lou" - otherwise, it's best to forget this one existed. 

6. All I Want (feat. Nachia Cayson) (prod. Don Juan)

This cut right here apparently aims to completely juxtapose what Tech was going for on the last song - this is a straight up love rap, aimed towards a chick that Tech wants to be with, but unfortunately she's into the men with loads of money, which at the time he didn't have. Aside from the very strange lines at the beginning - "and the fact I'm clever got honeys wanting to do whatever - like sit on my face" - this one is quite sweet, and the Nachia Cayson hook sounds interesting (read: sounds like it comes from the mid 1980s), but as a whole I've got to say that this type of content probably wasn't what anyone going into this album was hoping for. Maybe I'd like this more on a different album, but in here it seems very out of place and random. 

7. Nasty Girl (feat. L.V., Don Juan, Rock Money & Nachia Cayson) (prod. Don Juan)

Wow, Nichia Cayson (or Nachia? The credits on these early Tech albums juxtapose ridiculously) is getting a lot of work on this album. I'm not even entirely sure who does which verse on here, but I believe the order goes L.V., Don Juan and then Rock Money, with Tech coming in last obviously - whether that's actually the case I don't even know, though. Juan and Tech N9ne both begin their verses with melodic deliveries, which is annoying, but not as annoying as pretty much everything else about this. The chorus is horrible, the beat is completely unrelated to the subject matter and singing, and this subject matter itself is simply shameful. It's straight up misogyny. There's honestly no defending this. If Tech had put this on an album himself, my respect would legitimately go down of him. This is actually one of the most horrible songs in existence. What the fuck is this, man?

[*goes off and cries for a few minutes*]

Right, let's keep going.

8. Pop That Thang (performed by Macc James) (prod. Macc James)

Funnily enough, I did actually quit the review for a sec after that last song, but not simply because "Nasty Girl" was so horrible. No, I actually went off to assemble a shelving unit, and did a piss poor job of it too, which was unfortunate. Anyway, it's now the morning of the day after that, so everything before was written yesterday - just thought I'd point that out. On this joint, Macc James, presumably an artist who signed to MidWestSide after Tech N9ne made his departure in 2000, delivers a self-produced strip club anthem where our host is nowhere to be found - odd, considering Nina's affinity for vulgar sex songs. Upon first listen, this was the first song I actually liked somewhat since "Be Warned", which is interesting, as nowadays I simply can't stand this misogynistic bullshit. The track is similar to "Sprung" in that it has a dope beat, but this guy can't figure out for the life of him how to make it work. The lyrics on here are vulgar and unpleasant, and my God is the hook repetitive. The only salvageable things here are the beat and the club-ready flow - otherwise you can give this a miss (not that the Tech fans will need telling).

9. Shoot Tha Shit (feat. Don Juan & Big Bear) (prod. Don Juan)

Yes, that is the Big Bear of the ridiculous "Doin' Thangs" album cover that everybody knows about. Who knew he was affiliated with Tech N9ne? Unfortunately, this song sucks, and if it wasn't for the fact that it has content mildly more interesting than the sex songs from earlier, it would actually be the worst joint on the whole record (well, worst song with Tech present). The instrumental on this thing gets old after about 10 seconds, so just imagine a whole 5 minutes 15 seconds with it, and already you've got a recipe for disaster. As you might be able to tell from the title, this one is aggressive and confrontational, and features a bit of that gangsta rap that Tech would occasionally experiment with back in the day - unfortunately, it's so hollow that the most interesting part of the song is a repetitive bridge where Tech repeats variations on "making every bitch get hot when I shoot this shit" - hell, at least the flow's cool. The flow on Tech's actual opening verse is fucking horrible. And at least he has an interesting delivery. Don Juan and Big Bear sound like their verses were recorded straight from their beds the morning after a night of drinking and taking LSD, which, considering how these guys would have lived at the time, isn't too far fetched of an idea. Yeah, I really hate this.

10. Ride Wit Me (performed by Nitty, Big Scoob, Bakarrii & Severe) (prod. Don Juan)

57th Street Rogue Dog Villains are back once again, and oddly Txx Will is absent from proceedings here too. I wonder where he was at? Let's hope at the name change clinic - that stage name is stupid as fuck. Anyway, this is yet another cut to completely eschew a verse from Tech Nina, but perhaps that's for the best, as this is the best song in a long time by far, which is largely thanks to this funky Don Juan instrumental that is easily one of the best beats on here - the drums and the electronic synths all come together to make for something much more exciting than what we have seen a lot on these previous songs. Severe's chorus is bloody horrific, especially when delivered with no proper instrumental at the beginning of the song, but thankfully the three MCs don't make a monkey of their efforts, as all three of their verses are decent in my opinion, if occasionally incomprehensible and falling flat - I mean, what sort of brag is "catch me running an illegal business, driving a beige and blue Hummer"? Pretty dope overall.

11. Blue Streak (feat. Bridgett) (prod. Don Juan)

According to this booklet, these lyrics are by Don Juan as well as Tech - what, are the label insinuating ghostwriting? Have they heard Don Juan's rapping? On this one, Tech raps from the perspective of an illegal jewellery dealer who steals most of his product, and in the end he gets arrested and sent to prison for the rest of his life, which he still manages to find the positive side in. Or at least that's what I got from it. It's a strange and rather unique concept, and it's certainly a whole lot better than the "I'm going to kill you"/"I'm going to vigorously describe myself having sex" lyrical content we've found on this album so far - and to make things even better, the hook is catchy and isn't over the top at all, and the instrumental from Don Juan, while not astonishing, keeps up the energy throughout the song with some nice sound effects in there too. But really it's Tech's intriguing lyrical content that saves this one - truly a dope-ass track from his early career. Oh, and the rhyme schemes at the beginning of the first verse? Probably the dopest moment on this whole LP.

12. We Dem Boyz (performed by Jok3r) (prod. Jok3r)

This shit is so fucking horrible I don't even want to waste my valuable time writing about it. Hell, I'd rather listen to the Wiz Khalifa song of the same name. 

13. Mizery (feat. Macc James) (prod. Jok3r)

I guess Tech did know Macc James, then, as he shouts him out on the hook of this song, and further than that, I'll propose that this song was recorded for the Be Warned album way back in '96 - it certainly has a very creepy, demonic atmosphere, which is exactly what that album was supposed to sound like. The shout out also proves that this wasn't mashed together from unreleased Tech vocals. Also, there's a reference to the "turn of the century" in the outro here, which leads me to believe that this song was recorded before that pivotal moment. Just a few things I noticed that I thought were worth bringing to the metaphorical table. Anyway, this song is pretty great, as Jok3r manages to provide a far far better instrumental than whatever the fuck he cooked up on "We Dem Boyz", which utilises dark pianos and drums that make for one of the most haunting instrumentals on this whole thing. Also, Tech's verse is really stellar, with his backmasked vocals sounding great, and his murderous lyrics being pretty convincing alongside his disturbing vocal delivery - there's a diss to Vell Bakardy in there too. I even like his singing on the hook. Unfortunately, this song isn't entirely successful because Tech decided to get a rapper as un-scary as Macc James on here, who slurs most of his vocals on this thing into oblivion, rendering his verse pretty much unlistenable. This is still one of the best songs here, but that's probably more of a bad thing than a good. 

14. Celcius (feat. Don Juan & Nachia Cayson) (prod. Don Juan)

The second song in a row to have that horrorcore type of sound, which again puts this up as a contender for a song intended for the Be Warned album. On this one, Tech speaks on his ability and uniqueness in the industry, and how he's such a different MC to everyone else, and yet still will prevail in the end. The chorus was actually used for a line on Tech's "Get Blowed" - "I am cold as ice" - and the flow used at the end of the final verse here was also later used on Tech's classic "It's Alive" (I think he had used it even before that on "I Can Get Grim", though). Aside from these interesting facets, this song is still pretty great - Don Juan's instrumental is engaging and intense, and Tech's lyrical content actually aged well considering how much he went on to thrive in our chosen genre. I really don't like the "freeze me with your deity" section of the hook, but otherwise, this is a pretty good way to end a pretty bloody bad album. 

You know, the first three songs lull you into a false sense of security on here - yes, "Call Girlz" is ass, but "He Wanna Be Paid" and "Be Warned" are both actually great Tech songs that appear either side of it - it's easy to think "Call Girlz" is just to be a one off. Unfortunately, after this the album goes to complete shit - "Boss Doggs" and "Sprung" both have their moments but in general bore me to death, and after that the album gets really fucking awful up until "Ride Wit Me", and even then that song isn't that great - it just looks so good because of the shit you've just had to wade through - kind of like finding a cheese sandwich and cup of water in the middle of the desert - in most other settings it would be merely alright, but here it appears like a gift from the Gods. The album really picks up towards the end (forgetting "We Dem Boyz" exists), but for the most part this thing is terrible. The lyrical content from both Tech and his guests sways between disgusting and boring, but rarely does it ever actually become interesting, the hooks are uniformly miserable even on a lot of the better songs, and the production is often boring and does nothing to make it stand out. There's very little worth to be found on Celcius, but since it is Tech N9ne we're talking about, there is a tiny bit, which is what the chart below is for. But really, unless you're an enormous Tech fan, this shit ain't worth checking. It's boring, vulgar, and has barely any highlights in comparison with the miserable moments. Still, at least we now know why Tech didn't want this released, and we also know why Absolute Power overshadowed it like an elephant would a small moth - because it's so, so, so much better. 

The Good (it's all relative, remember): "He Wanna Be Paid", "Be Warned", "Ride Wit Me", "Blue Streak", "Mizery", "Celcius"

The Mediocre: "Boss Doggs", "Sprung", "All I Want"

The Fucking Horrible: "Call Girlz", "Nasty Girl", "Pop That Thang", "Shoot Tha Shit", "We Dem Boyz"

Other Tech write-ups to be discovered over here!